Series: Therapy Speak, Decoded
I’ll be honest with you.
I’ve asked it. In a session, with a client, at a moment that probably called for something more precise — and out came: “How does that make you feel?”
We both paused. And then we both laughed. Because it landed exactly as vague as it sounds when you say it out loud. My client looked at me with this expression that said, well, that’s a big question, and they weren’t wrong. I had to backtrack, get more specific, and ask what I actually meant to ask.
That moment stayed with me. Because if I — someone who thinks a lot about language — can default to that question on autopilot, it’s worth slowing down and asking: what are we actually trying to do when we ask it? And why does it sometimes feel like a punchline?
Why It Became a Cliché
“How does that make you feel?” has become shorthand for therapy itself. It shows up in movies, in jokes, in imitations of what therapy looks like from the outside. And like most clichés, it got there because it was used a lot — and because it’s not wrong, exactly. It’s just often too big.
The question comes from something real. Therapy isn’t just about understanding what happened. It’s about noticing what’s happening inside you as you talk about what happened — because that’s usually where the useful information lives. The thought you have about something and the feeling you have about it are often two different things, and they don’t always line up.
So the intention behind “how does that make you feel?” is genuinely good. The problem is that it’s so broad it can be hard to land anywhere with it. Especially if you’re not used to being asked.
What We’re Actually Asking
When a therapist asks about feelings — when we’re asking it well — we’re usually trying to do one or more of these things:
Slow you down. Most of us move through difficult experiences at speed. We narrate, we analyze, we explain. Asking about feelings is an invitation to pause the story and notice what’s happening in your body and your emotional experience right now, in the room.
Help you connect the dots. Sometimes what you feel about something tells you more than what you think about it. You can explain a situation logically and still feel dread, or relief, or grief — and that feeling is data worth paying attention to.
Make sure we’re tracking the same thing. Sometimes clients talk about hard things in a very matter-of-fact way, and I genuinely want to know: does this feel as hard as it sounds? Is this something you’ve made peace with, or are you moving past it quickly because it’s uncomfortable to sit with?
Notice what’s hard to name. For a lot of people, identifying feelings isn’t straightforward. Not because the feelings aren’t there, but because nobody ever taught them the vocabulary — or because feelings were treated as inconvenient or unsafe in their family of origin. The question is sometimes less about getting an answer and more about opening a door.
When the Question Lands and When It Doesn’t
“How does that make you feel?” works best when there’s already enough safety and specificity in the room that the person knows roughly what territory they’re being invited into.
It works less well when it comes too early, or when it’s too broad, or — as I learned in that session — when what the therapist actually needs to ask is something more specific: What happened in your body when they said that? What’s the feeling sitting underneath the frustration? Where does this land for you?
The more specific the question, the easier it is to actually answer. And the easier it is to answer, the more useful the conversation becomes.
If You’ve Ever Felt Stuck by This Question
If you’ve sat across from a therapist and felt your mind go blank when asked how you feel — you’re not doing therapy wrong. It’s a genuinely hard question. Feelings aren’t always immediately accessible, especially when we’re used to living mostly in our heads.
A few things that can help:
- You can say “I don’t know” — that’s real information, and a good therapist will work with it
- You can describe a physical sensation instead: tight chest, heavy, restless — that’s feeling language too
- You can say what you think first and see if the feeling follows
- You can ask your therapist to be more specific — what exactly are you curious about?
Therapy is a conversation, not a test. You don’t have to know the answer before you start talking.
A Note on Language
This post is part of a series I’m calling Therapy Speak, Decoded — a plain-language look at the words and phrases that show up constantly in therapy contexts and don’t always get explained. Not to minimize them, but to make them more approachable.
Because language that creates distance is the opposite of what therapy is for.
If you’re curious about what therapy actually looks and feels like, or you’re wondering if it might be useful for you, I offer individual counselling in Squamish and online across BC. You’re also welcome to start with my free anxiety course, You Gotta Name It to Tame It — which is, fittingly, all about learning to name what’s happening inside you.
Jill Koehler, MA, RCC-ACS is a Registered Clinical Counsellor and Approved Clinical Supervisor based in Squamish, BC. She offers individual counselling for anxiety, trauma, and relationships, and clinical supervision for therapists across BC.
