If You’re Not Practising Mindfulness, You’re Practising Reactivity
Have you ever driven somewhere and arrived with no memory of how you got there?
You were in the car. You were technically present. But your mind was somewhere else entirely — replaying a conversation from earlier, running through tomorrow’s to-do list, worrying about something that may or may not happen.
Most of us do this constantly. Not just while driving. In conversations, during meals, at the end of the day when we’re finally still — the mind is often somewhere other than where we actually are.
Jon Kabat-Zinn, one of the pioneers of mindfulness in Western medicine, put it well: “If you aren’t practising mindfulness, you are practising reactivity.”
When our attention is scattered across the past and the future, we’re not really present to what’s actually happening. And without that presence, we react — to old memories, to anticipated threats, to stories we’re telling ourselves — rather than responding to what’s actually in front of us.
Why this matters for anxiety and relationships
The tendency for the mind to drift backward into regret and forward into worry is closely linked to both anxiety and depression. It keeps the nervous system activated, maintaining a low-level state of alertness even when there’s nothing in the present moment that actually requires it.
In relationships this shows up in particular ways. Conversations happen while one or both people are mentally elsewhere. Reactions get triggered by something from three days ago rather than what was just said. The present moment — which is where connection actually lives — keeps getting bypassed.
Mindfulness is a way of training attention back to now. Not because the past and future don’t matter, but because the present is the only place where anything can actually be done.
What mindfulness actually is
Kabat-Zinn’s definition is simpler than most of what gets written about it: paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally, to the unfolding of experience moment to moment.
Nothing mystical. No particular belief system required. Just a practised returning of attention to what’s actually happening — in your body, your breath, your senses — right now.
The key word is practised. The mind wanders. That’s what minds do. Mindfulness isn’t about stopping that. It’s about noticing when it’s happened and gently bringing attention back. Every time you notice and return, you’re building something — a slightly stronger capacity to be where you are.
Two places to start
Guided relaxation
Having a regular guided practice is one of the most accessible ways to begin. The structure of following a voice helps train the mind to stay present rather than wander.
The UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center offers free guided meditations at different lengths — a straightforward place to start. You might also try the Clearing a Space focusing practice — a short guided practice designed to help you settle into the present moment and notice what’s there.
Diaphragmatic breathing
Focusing on the breath — specifically the inhale and exhale — is one of the simplest and most researched ways to bring attention back to the present moment. It works because breath is always happening now. You can’t breathe in the past or the future.
Breathe2Relax is a free app that guides you through diaphragmatic breathing with a visual and audio component. It’s available on iOS and Android and was developed by the US Department of Defense — it’s simple, well-designed, and genuinely useful.
A small experiment
You don’t need to commit to a daily practice to start noticing the difference presence makes.
Over the next few days pick one ordinary activity — eating a meal, walking somewhere, making a cup of tea — and try to give it your full attention. Not perfectly. Just notice when you drift and come back.
That noticing is the practice. Nothing more complicated than that to begin with.
If anxiety is something you’re working with — particularly the kind that keeps the mind looping between past regrets and future worries — this is often worth exploring more deeply. Anxiety counselling is available in Squamish and online across BC. The free Name It to Tame It anxiety course is a good self-paced starting point. And if these patterns are showing up in your relationships, relationship counselling can help you understand how reactivity is affecting the people you’re closest to.
