The Small Moments That Make or Break Relationships
Most couples who come to therapy say communication is the problem.
And they’re right — but “communication” is a broad word that can mean almost anything. What tends to be more useful is getting specific. Breaking it down into the small, concrete moments where connection either happens or doesn’t.
One of the most useful frameworks for doing that comes from the research of psychologist John Gottman, who spent decades studying what actually distinguishes couples who stay together from those who don’t. One of his most important findings is also one of the simplest.
It’s about bids.
What a bid is
Gottman defines a bid as the fundamental unit of emotional communication — any expression, however small, that says I want to feel connected to you.
Bids can be obvious. Do you want to talk? Or they can be almost invisible. A sigh. A raised eyebrow. Pointing something out on your phone. A hand on someone’s arm. Laughing at something and glancing over to see if your partner noticed too.
They happen dozens of times a day in close relationships — most of them so small and ordinary that we barely register them as communication at all.
But they are. And how they’re responded to matters enormously.
Three ways to respond to a bid
When your partner makes a bid — for attention, connection, humour, support, or simply acknowledgement — you have essentially three options:
Turning toward
You respond. It doesn’t have to be elaborate. A nod, an uh-huh, a smile, a question, genuine engagement. You signal: I noticed you. I’m here.
Turning away
You don’t respond — not out of hostility, but out of distraction, preoccupation, or simply not registering that a bid was being made. The bid goes unanswered.
Turning against
You respond, but in a way that dismisses, criticises, or conflicts with the bid. A put-down. A contradictory remark. A combative or contemptuous response.
Most of us do all three at different times. The question is which one we do most — and whether we’re doing it consciously or on autopilot.
What Gottman’s research found
The numbers here are striking.
In couples heading for divorce, husbands ignored their wives’ bids for connection 82% of the time. In stable relationships, that number dropped to 19%.
Wives heading for divorce ignored their husbands’ bids 50% of the time. In stable relationships, just 14%.
What this suggests is that the health of a relationship isn’t primarily determined by how couples handle big conflict — it’s determined by the accumulation of thousands of small moments. The bid that was noticed or missed. The attempt at connection that was met or turned away from.
Relationships don’t usually erode through dramatic falling-outs. They erode through the slow accumulation of bids that didn’t land.
Why this is useful
The concept of bids is helpful because it makes something abstract — emotional connection — concrete and observable.
You don’t have to overhaul how you communicate. You just have to start noticing. When is your partner making a bid? What does it look like when they do? How do you tend to respond? What gets in the way of turning toward?
And on the other side — how do you make bids? Are they clear enough for your partner to recognise? Do you make them and then feel hurt when they’re not responded to, without ever quite naming what you were reaching for?
Something to try
Over the next few days don’t try to change anything. Just observe.
Notice when you make a bid — what it is, how you make it, whether it lands.
Notice when your partner makes a bid — how often you catch it, how you tend to respond, and what’s happening internally when you turn away rather than toward.
You’re not looking for a score or a verdict. You’re just gathering information. That awareness alone — before any change is attempted — is often where something starts to shift.
If you and your partner find that bids consistently go missed — or that turning toward each other has started to feel effortful or charged — that’s worth paying attention to. Relationship counselling can help you understand what’s getting in the way and find your way back to each other.
