How You Learned to Love — And How It’s Still Showing Up
Lionel Shriver wrote: “Though surely to avoid attachments for fear of loss is to avoid life.”
It’s a sharp observation. And it points at something most of us recognise — the way fear of being hurt can quietly organise how close we let ourselves get to people, how much we depend on them, how vulnerable we allow ourselves to be.
One of the most useful frameworks for understanding this is attachment theory. It’s not a new idea — the research goes back to the 1960s and 70s — but it’s had a significant resurgence in recent years, and for good reason. It offers a map of how early experiences of being cared for shape the way we connect with people for the rest of our lives.
Where attachment begins
Our first experience of relationship is with whoever looked after us as infants and young children.
That relationship — how consistent they were, how attuned, how able to respond when we were distressed — teaches us something fundamental about what closeness is like. Whether other people can be trusted to show up. Whether our needs are reasonable or too much. Whether depending on someone is safe or something to be avoided.
We don’t consciously learn these things. They get encoded in the nervous system through thousands of small experiences, long before we have language for any of it.
And then we carry them forward — into friendships, romantic relationships, and eventually into the families we build ourselves.
The four attachment styles
Researchers have identified four broad patterns of attachment that develop in early childhood. Most people will recognise themselves somewhere in these descriptions — though it’s worth saying upfront that these are patterns on a continuum, not fixed categories. Most of us move between styles depending on the relationship and the situation.
Secure attachment
This develops when a primary caregiver is generally consistent, attuned, and able to respond to a child’s distress. The child learns that the world is basically safe, that other people can be relied on, and that needing things is okay.
In adult relationships this tends to show up as the ability to form meaningful connections without losing yourself in them. Comfortable with both closeness and independence. Able to set boundaries without guilt and ask for needs to be met without excessive anxiety about the response.
This doesn’t mean a perfect childhood. It means good enough — consistent enough, responsive enough, safe enough.
Avoidant attachment
This develops when caregivers are emotionally unavailable or actively discourage emotional expression. Crying is met with withdrawal or irritation. Distress doesn’t get soothed. The child learns, very early, that needing things from other people doesn’t work — and that the safest strategy is to need as little as possible.
In adult relationships this can show up as a strong preference for independence, discomfort with emotional closeness, a tendency to withdraw when things get intense, and a kind of suppression of feelings that can look like calm but is often more like disconnection. Relationships stay at a slight distance — functional, often caring, but never quite letting anyone all the way in.
Anxious attachment
This develops when caregivers are inconsistent — sometimes warm and responsive, sometimes intrusive or unavailable, in ways the child can’t predict. The child never quite knows what to expect, so they stay on high alert, watching for signals, trying to manage the relationship to get the connection they need.
In adult relationships this can show up as anxiety about the relationship, a tendency to seek a lot of reassurance, difficulty trusting that things are okay, and sometimes a push-pull dynamic where closeness is desperately wanted but also frightening. The nervous system is constantly scanning for signs of abandonment.
Disorganised attachment
This develops in the most difficult circumstances — when the primary caregiver is also a source of fear or harm. The child is caught in an impossible situation: the person they need for safety is also the person who frightens them. There’s no coherent strategy that works.
In adult relationships this can show up as significant difficulty with trust and connection, intense fear of both closeness and abandonment, and sometimes patterns that feel chaotic or confusing even to the person living them. Underneath is usually a profound longing for security alongside a deep uncertainty about whether it’s possible.
Why this is useful to know
Understanding your attachment style won’t instantly change your patterns. But it can help you make sense of them — which is often the beginning of something shifting.
If you find yourself consistently pulling back just as relationships get close, that’s not a character flaw. It’s an attachment pattern — one that made sense given what you learned about closeness early on.
If you find yourself anxious in relationships, reading into small signals, struggling to feel secure even when there’s no obvious reason not to be — that’s also a pattern, not a personality defect.
And if relationships have felt genuinely confusing or chaotic — if you can’t quite figure out what you want or how to get there — that might be worth exploring with some proper support rather than just trying to logic your way through it.
Attachment styles aren’t life sentences
This is probably the most important thing to say.
Attachment styles are patterns, not destinies. The nervous system that learned a particular way of relating to people can also learn new ways — given the right experiences, the right relationships, and sometimes the right therapeutic support.
Research on what’s called earned secure attachment shows that people who didn’t start with secure attachment can develop it over time — through relationships that are consistently safe and responsive, and through doing the work of understanding their own patterns rather than just living inside them.
It’s not a quick process. But it is a real one.
Want to explore your own attachment style?
There are various quizzes available online that can give you a starting point — try searching “attachment style quiz” and you’ll find several. They won’t give you a definitive answer, but they can be a useful prompt for reflection.
The work of researchers like Sue Johnson — who developed Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, drawing directly on attachment theory — is also worth exploring if this is a topic you want to go deeper on. Her book Hold Me Tight is one of the most accessible introductions to how attachment shows up in adult romantic relationships.
Attachment patterns come up regularly in both individual counselling and relationship counselling — they’re often at the root of the dynamics that feel most stuck or confusing in relationships. If you recognise yourself in some of what’s described here and would like to understand it better, that’s worth exploring. Available in Squamish and online across BC.
