The 5 Minute Listening Experiment

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When conflict arises and people are feeling stressed, one of the first things that can disappear is the ability to listen to and hear each other.  Part of the reason listening becomes more difficult is that, as our nervous systems start to escalate, we tend to move into fight/flight/freeze mode, filtering out most of what the other person is saying in favour of our worst assumptions and interpretations.

No wonder it’s so easy to skip listening and go straight to defending, attacking, and blaming. It can also be tempting to move straight to problem-solving, in hopes that a quick solution will make the discomfort of conflict go away. Problem-solving is certainly an important step in conflict resolution, but it is difficult to do effectively without all parties involved feeling listened to and heard. Learning to tolerate discomfort, while listening to another’s points of view, is an essential, though often difficult step, toward de-escalating and resolving conflict.

Because listening can be tough, especially during conflict, it’s a great skill to practice on a regular basis when things aren’t so stressful.  As the listener, you can increase your ability to remain curious, without becoming defensive or judgmental. And by listening to the other person you are giving them a pretty rare gift. As the one being listened to, you can practice sharing how you feel or how your are perceiving a situation, without moving into accusations or blame.

If you are curious, give this 5 Minute Listening Experiment a try with a friend or partner. Set a time aside and decide who will talk and who will listen. Set an alarm for 5 minutes, and then switch roles. Initially it’s best to stick to topics that are not too sensitive.

Listener

  • Pay attention to when you are truly feeling curious and when you are feeling defensive or judgmental. Notice any differences between these experiences.
  • Notice how strange it can feel to simply listen and not respond or try to problem-solve.
  • Remember that the other person is only sharing how they feel about something. It’s only one perspective.
  • Listening does not mean you have to agree with what the other person is saying. It does show that you are curious to know more about why they feels the way they.
  • Try imagining you are an interviewer, trying to gather information.

Speaker

  • Its a real gift to talk about your experience without interruption, so take advantage of the opportunity to openly and honestly express how you are feeling or perceiving a situation. Be careful not to move into blaming or accusing.
  • Once the 5 minutes is up, thank the other person for listening.

Life is busy and it would be unrealistic to expect people to devote endless hours to just talking and listening in this way. The good news is that this skill can be practiced in a very short period of time. Why not give it a try and see?

Love is a Verb – 12 Ways to Get More Active in Love

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“Love is a verb. Love – the feeling – is the fruit of love the verb or our loving actions.” -Stephen R. Covey

An all-too-familiar sentiment that I hear from clients to explain why they are thinking of leaving their long-term relationship is “I love my partner, I’m just not in love with them anymore. When I follow up to ask how they know this, I hear variations of “I’ve lost that lovin’ feeling.” That love is just a feeling seems to be a pervasive belief. It often follows that if you are ‘not feeling it’ that must mean it’s time to exit the relationship and find that feeling somewhere else.

That’s not to say that there aren’t times when leaving becomes the appropriate choice. However, it’s generally helpful to get clear on the concrete reasons that this relationship is no longer where you are choosing to stay. Basing a choice to leave on a feeling is often an indicator that people have bought into Hollywood’s version of love and don’t have a good understanding of love beyond the fluctuation of feeling.

So if love isn’t just a feeling, what is it? It’s also action, it’s commitment, and it’s an evolution. Love is a crucible for both partners’ growth, learning and healing. When love is all about feeling, you are usually in the honeymoon stage of relationship. It’s a great and important stage and a lot of the connection that develops in this period of time helps to sustain the relationship when the going gets tough. But if you keep leaving your relationships once the honeymoon stage ends because the ‘butterflies in the stomach’ feeling starts to fade, you may find yourself missing out on the opportunity to experience the deeper more profound shades of love that come with action and commitment.

So what to do when you still love your partner, but you’ve lost that lovin’ feeling?

Here are twelve ideas to experiment with; why not try one or two of them for a few weeks and see what happens?

  1. Write a bunch of post-it notes with things you like about your partner and stick them places your partner will find them. For example, on their pillow, in their car, in their briefcase or purse, on their laptop screen, get creative.
  2. Give more than you take in your relationship. Instead of getting stuck keeping score, see what happens when you give more than your partner without expecting anything in return.
  3. Communicate! Pay attention to what your partner is saying. Put down cell phones, close laptops. Set aside time to focus on your partner. If you are struggling with communicating, get some help. Attend a workshop, read a book together, go to counselling.
  4. Before you blame, take a look at anything you might be contributing to the situation. Make a real effort to see the situation through your partner’s eyes – it doesn’t mean you have to agree with how they see things but can go a long way in helping them feel less defensive.
  5. Hold hands, hug, give a little shoulder rub, touch your partner’s arm, affection is connection.
  6. Accept and celebrate your differences instead of feeling threatened by them.
  7. Remember that you are a team and you can accomplish much more when you work together then when you get entrenched in defending your turf. Notice if you get stuck on the concept of winning or losing. There will be endless give and take over the long haul.
  8. Laugh! Whether that requires a funny movie, a funny joke, a tickle fight or sharing a funny story. Laughter is a great way to build connection and stop from taking yourselves too seriously.
  9. Develop rituals that are meaningful to the two of you.
  10. Attend a couples retreat
  11. Create some common goals and work towards them.
  12. Have a weekly date time whether it’s an activity in the home, a hike or a dinner out. Time together is essential.

Do you Have Conflict Rules of Engagement?

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Let’s face it: conflict is often a necessary and unavoidable part of almost all relationships. However, we do have choices about how we behave and engage during conflict situations. Most of the time, couples are just relieved when the conflict is over and want to put it in the past. While an all-out fight can be a release valve for built up frustrations and hurt, if neither person ends up feeling heard or safe enough to speak up, the conflict won’t be resolved, but simply swept under the carpet only to re-emerge another day.

Why bother with Rules of Engagement?

Everybody comes into relationships with a set of their own attitudes and beliefs, shaped by their family of origin and past experiences. With these past experiences come different perspectives related to conflict. Imagine a relationship where Partner A avoids disagreement at all costs, while Partner B finds it difficult to stop talking about an issue until he/she feels it is resolved. During an argument or disagreement, Partner A might feel overwhelmed and either acquiesce or shut down, just to keep the peace, while Partner B might feel frustrated or abandoned, like he/she just can’t connect.

Here are some simply strategies to help increase the chances of turning conflict into a useful conversation:

  1. Stay focused. Get clear on what the issue really is, and avoid bringing up other issues, tempting as it may be.
  2. Set a time limit. It can be helpful if both partners agree on how long the conversation will be, so neither of you feels trapped. A typical time limit that many couples start with is 30 minutes. If more time is needed, take a break and come back to it.
  3. Set a date. Scheduling a regular, weekly time to check in with each other can help to ensure that little issues don’t become big ones down the road.
  4. Make sure your partner is in the mood to talk. If not, plan for a different time in the near future and stick to it.
  5.  Ask for a time out. Agree that you can request a time out if one or both of you is becoming upset or escalated.
  6.  Be curious. Come into the discussion with an attitude of curiosity about what your partner is saying, rather than one of defensiveness. Remember, being curious does not mean you have to agree, but it might help you to be more understanding of your partner’s point of view and where your he/she is coming from.

It isn’t always easy to create rules of engagement and they aren’t always easy to stick with, especially in the heat of the moment. Work together with your partner to establish a set of rules that both of you can agree on, and remember that it’s an ongoing process that can be changed and refined as you go.

Learning to manage conflict well is a big relationship strength!

Curious to learn more about your relationship strength and growth areas? Check out this couple’s exercise:  Couple’s Strength & Growth Areas

 

Observation Without Evaluation
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The Indian philosopher J. Krishnamurti once remarked that observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence. When I first read this statement the thought, ‘What nonsense!’ shot through my mind before I realized that I had just made an evaluation. – Marshall Rosenberg

The Power of Thank You

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Do you know what your partner most wants to be thanked for?  Do you let your loved ones know what sort of recognition is most important to you?

In this 3 min TedTalk Laura Trice discusses the importance of asking for and giving thank yous.

What are your Expectations?

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It’s good to set our expectations high isn’t it? There are all sorts of quotes telling us to do just that:

By asking for the impossible we obtain the best possible. -Giovanni Niccolini 
High expectations are the key to everything. -Sam Walton

And yet Shakespeare said: Expectation is the root of all heartache.

So…
Having high expectations might be a good thing in terms of knowing what we want from ourselves and our partners….but these expectations can create barriers if we don’t understand what is behind them. One way to gain some insight into the root of our expectations is to take a look at our family of origin. Because our family of origin is the first relationship dynamic we experience, we can — both consciously and unconsciously – develop ideas of how we and our partners should behave. This can be especially true in relation to how conflict is managed. For example, if your family of origin dealt with conflict in ways that were volatile, scary or conflict was discouraged, you might then have difficulty knowing how to address disagreements in your present relationships in healthy and appropriate ways. Instead of learning conflict management skills in your family, you likely would have developed tools and skills for protecting or distancing yourself from these situations. In your current relationship this might appear as expecting your partner to be agreeable all the time, or feeling attacked when your partner brings up difficult topics.

You can ask yourself following questions to better understand your family of origin:

  1. What roles did your mother/father/guardian play?
  • Taking care of finances
  • Housework
  • Yardwork
  • Communicating style
  • Child rearing
  • Career
  • Activity and social planning
  1. Were men’s and women’s roles defined differently? If so, how?
  2. When you were hurt or scared, who did you run to? How did they respond to you?
  3. Were decisions discussed or did one person make the decisions?
  4. What sorts of issues caused conflict or disagreement in your family?
  5. How was conflict handled by different people in your family?
  6. How were you affected by conflict between other members of your family?
  7. Was conflict seen as safe and necessary or negative and unsafe? Explain.
  8. What emotions or feelings were not okay to express during a conflict? In general, who determined this and how?
  9. Did each family have different roles during conflict? (e.g. initiator, peacemaker) What was your role?
  10. What skills did this role teach you?
  11. How did you cope with conflict or soothe yourself when there was a conflict?

After answering those questions, take a moment to consider how these early experiences may impact your expectations in your current relationship. Are there any roles you may unconsciously be playing or expecting your partner to play? The more clearly you understand your early family dynamics, the more you can begin to choose how you respond in your current relationship… and the more you can be conscious of what roles you might be playing or expecting your partner to play. Through this clarity you can begin to dismantle another potential barrier to connecting with yourself and your partner.

Healthy Conflict = Healthy Relationships

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Client: hello, my partner and I are interested in couples counselling
Me: I’m glad you guys are looking for some support – that takes courage. What’s led you to seek counselling?
Client: hmmmm it’s hard to put into words….ummmm….I guess communication….

Communication difficulties are cited by 90% of people who contact me for couples counselling. Couples know that something isn’t working and can give me lots of examples of communication going sideways. While hearing about the content of their conflicts is a starting place, in order for insight and change to occur it’s necessary to go deeper and that takes some dedicated work. How does each person view conflict? What is happening in her/his nervous system? How was conflict handled in his/her family of origin? How well can each person regulate his/her own emotions?

Conflict is a natural and needed part of building and maintaining an intimate relationship. So the goal isn’t to get rid of conflict but to help couples to find ways of engaging in and repairing conflict in order to increase feelings of safety, connection, and intimacy.  That can sometimes feel like a tall order! But luckily there are lots of amazing tools and strategies for helping people change how they communicate.

Over the next few weeks I’m going to talk about some of the tools the couples I work with have found particularly useful: Stop-Replay, Regulating your Nervous System, and Emotional Bids.