Do you Have Conflict Rules of Engagement?

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Let’s face it: conflict is often a necessary and unavoidable part of almost all relationships. However, we do have choices about how we behave and engage during conflict situations. Most of the time, couples are just relieved when the conflict is over and want to put it in the past. While an all-out fight can be a release valve for built up frustrations and hurt, if neither person ends up feeling heard or safe enough to speak up, the conflict won’t be resolved, but simply swept under the carpet only to re-emerge another day.

Why bother with Rules of Engagement?

Everybody comes into relationships with a set of their own attitudes and beliefs, shaped by their family of origin and past experiences. With these past experiences come different perspectives related to conflict. Imagine a relationship where Partner A avoids disagreement at all costs, while Partner B finds it difficult to stop talking about an issue until he/she feels it is resolved. During an argument or disagreement, Partner A might feel overwhelmed and either acquiesce or shut down, just to keep the peace, while Partner B might feel frustrated or abandoned, like he/she just can’t connect.

Here are some simply strategies to help increase the chances of turning conflict into a useful conversation:

  1. Stay focused. Get clear on what the issue really is, and avoid bringing up other issues, tempting as it may be.
  2. Set a time limit. It can be helpful if both partners agree on how long the conversation will be, so neither of you feels trapped. A typical time limit that many couples start with is 30 minutes. If more time is needed, take a break and come back to it.
  3. Set a date. Scheduling a regular, weekly time to check in with each other can help to ensure that little issues don’t become big ones down the road.
  4. Make sure your partner is in the mood to talk. If not, plan for a different time in the near future and stick to it.
  5.  Ask for a time out. Agree that you can request a time out if one or both of you is becoming upset or escalated.
  6.  Be curious. Come into the discussion with an attitude of curiosity about what your partner is saying, rather than one of defensiveness. Remember, being curious does not mean you have to agree, but it might help you to be more understanding of your partner’s point of view and where your he/she is coming from.

It isn’t always easy to create rules of engagement and they aren’t always easy to stick with, especially in the heat of the moment. Work together with your partner to establish a set of rules that both of you can agree on, and remember that it’s an ongoing process that can be changed and refined as you go.

Learning to manage conflict well is a big relationship strength!

Curious to learn more about your relationship strength and growth areas? Check out this couple’s exercise:  Couple’s Strength & Growth Areas

 

Observation Without Evaluation
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The Indian philosopher J. Krishnamurti once remarked that observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence. When I first read this statement the thought, ‘What nonsense!’ shot through my mind before I realized that I had just made an evaluation. – Marshall Rosenberg

The Power of Thank You

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Do you know what your partner most wants to be thanked for?  Do you let your loved ones know what sort of recognition is most important to you?

In this 3 min TedTalk Laura Trice discusses the importance of asking for and giving thank yous.

Communication Going Sideways? – Take Two!

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Do you ever wish you could rewind a conversation and say something differently to get a better outcome? Changing communication patterns can be quite difficult since our nervous systems can become so primed to react and move into a state of defensiveness based on our reactions to what we hear our partner saying.

In order to start shifting those communication patterns couples require space to experiment. How does your partner want to be communicated with? How do you prefer to be approached? One tool that couples often find useful for experimenting with conversations that are going off the rails is to stop and replay. This technique may seem awkward at first, but if you and your partner can agree to experimenting with it you will likely be surprised with what you learn both about your partner and yourself.

Here is a video by Ellyn Bader and Pete Pearson from the Couples Institute demonstrating this technique: