Conscious Connection #2: The Tragedy of Unmet Needs
This is the second post in the Conscious Connection series — short practices and ideas drawn from Nonviolent Communication (NVC). ← #1 An Antidote to Being Judgemental · Next: #3 Nobody is Responsible for Your Needs →
Marshall Rosenberg said: “Every criticism, judgment, diagnosis, and expression of anger is the tragic expression of an unmet need.”
Pretty powerful words.
Most of us, when we’re frustrated or critical or reactive, don’t experience ourselves as having an unmet need. We experience ourselves as having a problem with someone else’s behaviour. They did something wrong. They’re being unreasonable. They need to change.
And yet underneath almost every judgement — if you look — there’s something that isn’t being met. Something you need that isn’t there.
The connection between judgement and need
In the last post I talked about getting curious about the needs underneath other people’s behaviour. But the same practice applies to ourselves — and this is often where it gets more interesting.
Think back to the neighbour who doesn’t say hello. You might judge them as unfriendly or rude. But what’s the judgement actually pointing at in you?
Take a look at a needs list and see what comes up. Maybe there’s a need for connection. A need to be seen. A need to feel like you matter to the people around you.
Once you can see the need, the judgement makes a different kind of sense. It’s not random irritation — it’s a signal. Your system flagging something that’s missing.
And that’s actually useful information.
What this changes
When we’re stuck in judgement — ruminating about the unfriendly neighbour, the dismissive colleague, the partner who didn’t respond the way we hoped — we tend to stay stuck. There’s no obvious next step other than continuing to feel frustrated.
But when we can identify the unmet need underneath the judgement, something opens up. Because needs, unlike other people’s behaviour, are something we have some agency over.
If the need is for connection and you’re not getting it from your neighbour — maybe you call a friend. Maybe you make plans with someone you’ve been meaning to catch up with. Maybe you notice that connection has been low lately and do something about it.
The need doesn’t disappear. But you’re no longer at the mercy of one person’s behaviour to get it met.
A simple practice
Next time you notice yourself judging someone — feeling critical, irritated, or reactive — try using it as a signal rather than a destination.
Ask yourself: what need of mine might not be getting met right now?
Use a needs list if it helps. Look through it with genuine curiosity rather than trying to find the “right” answer. Sometimes the need that comes up surprises you.
Then — and this is the part most people skip — see if there’s something you can do to address that need. Not always immediately. But acknowledging it, and taking even a small step toward meeting it, tends to feel very different from staying in the judgement.
Conscious Connection is a series of short posts exploring Nonviolent Communication principles and how they show up in everyday relationships. Posts in this series: #1 An Antidote to Being Judgemental · #2 The Tragedy of Unmet Needs · #3 Nobody is Responsible for Your Needs · #4 Having Needs vs Being Needy · #5 The Difference Between Feelings and Thoughts · #6 The Gift of Saying No
If the ideas in this series resonate and you’d like to explore how they show up in your own relationships, relationship counselling is available in Squamish and online across BC. The free couples relationship exercise is also a good self-paced starting point.
