Conscious Connection #1: An Antidote to Being Judgmental
This is the first post in the Conscious Connection series — a collection of short practices and ideas drawn from Nonviolent Communication (NVC). Next: Conscious Connection #2 — The Tragedy of Unmet Needs →
We are all judgmental.
Not as a character flaw — just as a fact of being human. Judgements are actually necessary. From a survival standpoint, we need to be able to assess things quickly. Angry bear — unsafe. Friendly dog — safe. In genuine threat situations, reacting from those rapid assessments can keep us alive.
But in everyday communication and relationships, the same reflex tends to cause problems.
When we let our judgements run unchecked — about the person who cut us off in traffic, the colleague who didn’t acknowledge our idea, the partner who responded in a way we didn’t expect — we tend to get worked up. And getting worked up is exhausting. It also creates distance — from other people and from ourselves.
So what to do instead?
An experiment worth trying
One practice from Nonviolent Communication that I’ve found genuinely useful — and have been working with myself in a year-long NVC course — is this:
When you notice someone behaving in a way you don’t like, and you feel the familiar pull of judgement, pause and ask yourself:
What need might this person be trying to get met through this behaviour?
It’s a small shift in focus. And it tends to change something.
Take the neighbour who never smiles when you say hello — just grunts and looks away. The automatic response might be: they’re rude. Unfriendly. Antisocial. Maybe those things are true. Maybe they’re completely wrong. Either way, sitting in those judgements tends to leave you feeling vaguely irritated and disconnected.
Now look at the same situation through the lens of needs. Maybe this person is shy and has a strong need for space. Maybe they’re going through something difficult and their capacity for small talk is genuinely depleted. Maybe they grew up in an environment where casual friendliness wasn’t modelled and they genuinely don’t know how to do it.
None of this means their behaviour is ideal. It’s not about approving or condoning. It’s just about getting curious rather than reactive — and noticing what that does to how you feel.
Why this works
Shifting from judgement to curiosity about needs doesn’t require you to be a saint. It just requires a momentary pause — enough space to ask a different question.
When you look for the need underneath the behaviour, something tends to soften. Not always dramatically. But there’s usually a subtle shift — from worked up to wondering, from disconnected to slightly more human.
Marshall Rosenberg, who developed NVC, suggested that every judgement is a tragic expression of an unmet need — in the other person, and often in ourselves too. More on that in the next post.
For now — try the experiment. Next time you feel yourself judging someone’s behaviour, see if you can get curious about what need might be underneath it. You can use a needs list as a reference if it helps.
Notice what changes — in your body, your nervous system, and how you feel about the situation.
Conscious Connection is a series of short posts exploring Nonviolent Communication principles and how they show up in everyday relationships. Posts in this series: #1 An Antidote to Being Judgemental · #2 The Tragedy of Unmet Needs · #3 Nobody is Responsible for Your Needs · #4 Having Needs vs Being Needy · #5 The Difference Between Feelings and Thoughts · #6 The Gift of Saying No
